Pregnancy Loss · TAC Process

TAC Recovery Day 7

This will likely be my last day-by-day TAC post, as I’m feeling almost back to normal and I’ve documented most of the recovery by this point. Whatever cold/flu/devil nonsense I battled yesterday mostly disappeared after medication and a good night’s sleep. Today I felt surprisingly normal. My lower abdomen is still numb-ish, and the glue over my incision hasn’t worn away yet, but otherwise I feel pretty good. It’s hard to believe that I had abdominal surgery just one week ago!

Now that my physical healing has progressed, I’m starting to work some of the emotional turmoil. I was surprisingly put-together while in Chicago, but I’ve faced a new wave of grief since coming home. I think part of it is knowing that had it not been for my boys, I wouldn’t have my TAC; put another way, my TAC could have saved Omie’s life if we knew about my incompetent cervix earlier.

We’re also coming up on another big date – Thursday will mark 21 weeks and 5 days since Omie was born. He will have been gone as long as he was here. I’m not sure how to process that yet, really. I’m not sure what I feel, or what I will feel. For now, all I know is that I miss him, and I miss Noah, and I wonder & dream & pray about all that was and all that could have been.

And now, I pray for our future children too, God willing. Getting my TAC placed was the last thing standing between us and parenthood. I’m not sure when we’ll decide to “try again,” between being so busy with the emotional work of properly grieving Noah & Omie and the actual work of jobs and bar prep and wedding planning. But I pray that our days as childless parents are numbered, and I pray for hope and healing and grace through it all.

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