Pregnancy Loss

what a day

I have a lot of feels about today and there’s so much going on, so this is going to be very rambly – just saying, I warned you.

I guess I’ll start with the past. About a year ago, on Mother’s Day 2018, I announced my very first pregnancy (yay Noah!) and received my first ever Mother’s Day cards. At 7 weeks pregnant, I didn’t really feel like a mom yet, so I wasn’t really celebrating. But it was my first Mother’s Day, and I fully expected to be a mom to a living baby Noah, and that was a cool thing. Side note, I’m not gonna hear any judgment on our early pregnancy announcement – I lost Omie at nearly 22 weeks, there is no such thing as a “safe zone” for announcing, I’ve since met ladies who gave birth to sleeping angels at 40+ weeks, I know people who lost children in infancy or in childhood, so get out of here with that attitude. I always have and always will announce and celebrate the existence of my children, when and how I please. Shit, I may just throw up positive pregnancy tests next time as soon as it happens.

So today is my second Mother’s Day, and my first as a bereaved/loss momma. 0/10 do not recommend. Not that it’s a choice anyhow. Today is also four months on the mark since Omie was born and died, so great timing there universe. I also graduate from law school today, which is a big accomplishment but still clouded by the fact that I never expected to attend my graduation because I should’ve been 39 weeks pregnant today, or have a newborn Omie.

Top that all off with the reality that most loss moms, without living children, are not recognized on Mother’s Day. Someone literally created a whole separate Bereaved Mother’s Day, because nobody recognizes us on “regular” Mother’s Day. Which is pure and proper bullshit, in my humble opinion. It’s these kinds of behaviors and actions that make loss mommas feel lesser, like we don’t count. I don’t know about you, but I gave birth to another human being, and if that doesn’t make me a mom, then I don’t know what the fuck does. This isn’t to discount foster moms, adoptive moms, women battling infertility, gestational carriers, etc. in ANY way at all – y’all are rockstars, and there are so many beautiful ways to mother. I’m just pointing out, for the average folk here, that I am STILL a mother, and just as much of a mother as anyone else. Noah & Omie died – that doesn’t mean I’m not a mom. So I’m gonna wear my “mama” shirt today and I pray for the person who tries to make a snarky comment about it.

Now, this is first thing in the morning so maybe today won’t be as terrible as I expect, and maybe I’m just salty because I haven’t had my coffee. But, I’m setting the bar quite low for today’s performance. I didn’t promise all my posts would be rainbows & sunshine, because that’s not life, and some days are just bad, and that’s okay. So today, I’m going to be gentle with myself and with my heart, and do anything and everything I need to do to make it through today. Sending love and prayers to all of you who are struggling through this day too.

One thought on “what a day

  1. Be gentle. Be angry. Be sad. Be okay. Be not okay. Be anything you feel like being, as long as it is fully- just as you are fully a Mom. Your boys knew nothing but love, and that alone makes you phenomenal. Bereavement and life after loss is a beast. Life after losing a child is something else altogether. There are no words. There just aren’t. But I am so grateful for you and your boldness is publishing your journey through this shit show. I see you. I feel you. And I love you, so so much. I hope you had the happiest Mother’s Day ❤

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