Today marks one year since I got my first ever positive pregnancy test. I remember just knowing I was pregnant for about a week prior, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach that I now only get with pregnancy. But still, seeing that word, so bold and bright on the test screen, changed my world. Jason & I just sat there and cried, happy tears, for a bit. And then it was calls to the doctor and planning the registry and telling our closest friends.
Four short weeks after we got that BFP (big fat positive), we went to our 8 week appointment where we were told Noah had no heartbeat and hadn’t grown since around 6 weeks. Even though we only had those 4 weeks together, my son forever changed my world. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, his creation & his death started pushing me towards God, in my desperate need to feel something, anything, that made Noah’s live matter, that meant his story didn’t end. Like many, my walk to Jesus started in desperation and that’s okay.
That’s my general feeling today, this odd sense of “okay-ish.” I mean, it’s not okay that Noah died. It’s not okay that I don’t have a 3 or 4 month old lil Noah here in my arms. It’s not okay that the ultrasound tech wouldn’t give me any pictures from that last scan. And it’s definitely not okay that the OBGYN could only muster up the words “These things just happen” and other unhelpful cliches. (I switched OBGYNs).
But, I am okay-ish. Without Noah, we wouldn’t have had Omie, and I can’t imagine a life where I didn’t get to carry him for 22 beautiful, wonderful weeks & give birth to him. Without Noah, I may still be stuck in a stubborn state on unbelief, without the courage to seek Jesus. Without Noah, I wouldn’t have found my reproductive endocrinologist, who has helped identify & diagnose all of my issues and has stood with us & advocated for us every step of the way. Without Noah, many doctors wouldn’t consider treating me as high-risk or otherwise care about my concerns in pregnancy. There’s some magic line, for some providers, between a momma with “only” one loss and a momma with two losses.
So today, I’m remembering the beautiful moments I had when I was pregnant with Noah. I’m thinking of him, safe and sound, in the presence of God, and Omie, and all our loved ones passed on. I’m celebrating the fact that he made me a mother, that he showed me the beauty & fragility of life, that he changed me forever. And as we end National Infertility Awareness Week, I’m thanking God for the miracle that was Noah, to have the blessing of fertility, when so many wonderful couples struggle with something that so many of us take for granted. Things aren’t perfect, and the life I live will never be the same without Noah, but, I am okay…ish.