But unfortunately, patience is not a virtue that I possess quite yet. I’ve always been an impatient person, and I’ve definitely gotten worse since I lost Omie. I was in a rush to get home and to get back to school, to follow up with my doctors and figure out exactly what went wrong and how to “fix it.” I didn’t want to wait for weeks and weeks to consult a TAC surgeon so I skipped out on a day of work & school to get the earliest appointment I could. I hate that I have to wait another two weeks for my MRI, and another week after that for my follow-up with my RE. Some days all I do is plan and push and hope to get everything “done” as soon as possible.
While some of my planning (and impatience in that process) has been due, in part, to my attempt to cope with Omie’s loss, the rest of it is just my nature as a control-freak. I want to organize and plan things how I want, when I want, as soon as I want – and that’s neither feasible nor healthy! But before now, I never saw any harm in my impatience nor any benefit to practicing patience. My consult with Dr. Atlas (MFM/TAC surgeon) last week showed me that patience is actually important, for myself and for my future.
I went in to my appointment with Dr. Atlas armed with pages of questions and concerns, mostly focused on how soon I could get my TAC and start trying for another little one. [No, we are not trying to “replace” Omie – but most loss parents will tell you that having a rainbow pregnancy really does help the healing process.] Dr. Atlas was amazing, he was so friendly and compassionate and really listened to everything I had to say – but I didn’t get a chance to ask any of those questions or set a plan. Why? Because Dr. Atlas can’t confirm my eligibility for a TAC until I have an MRI to determine whether I have a bicornuate uterus or a septate uterus – and I knew this going in to the appointment. In January, my RE advised that we had to wait at least 6 weeks after Omie’s birth before having the MRI, because my body needs that time to allow my uterus to return to normal size. We have the MRI scheduled for the first week of March.
Does this mean that my entire trip to Baltimore was a waste? Not at all. I got to meet Dr. Atlas, I told him my story and why I want a TAC, and he was able to explain his own experiences and our game plan(s) moving forward. He was also able to examine me, and that short exam showed that I may actually have a septate uterus. This was probably the best news of the trip because there is an easy surgery to fix a uterine septum! But, had I waited to consult Dr. Atlas AFTER figuring out exactly what my uterus is doing, I would’ve been able to have all my questions answered at once and I could’ve scheduled the surgery right then and there.
The morale of the story is that I really need to work on my patience. I need to trust God in this process, and believe that His timing is perfect – even when it isn’t as quick as I desire. Things will work out exactly as they’re meant to, when they’re meant to – and my impatience definitely won’t speed up the process, and may actually set us back! So here’s to acknowledging our flaws and finding ways to better ourselves every day.