Today was my last “first day of classes” as I started my final semester of law school. Of course, it wasn’t what I expected because I returned to school two weeks after classes had started and without my son. Omie was with me the entirety of first semester, so of course I expected to have him here for this semester too. But the Universe had other plans and I’m doing my best to adapt. In a way, I’m glad to be back, to have something productive and meaningful to do. Don’t get me wrong, I love lounging around and napping and living without a schedule, but I can only do that for so long before I get restless. And I found sitting at home actually fueled my depression, rather than providing rest and recovery after losing Omie.
Today got me thinking about some other firsts and lasts. Omie was my firstborn child, and I’ll never have another one of those. No, I didn’t forget about Nugget, but I never got a birth experience with him so he is my first son but not my first-born, in my eyes. Omie was also (probably) my last “normal” pregnancy – from here on out, I’ll see my OBGYN and an MFM and probably my RE, and will have much more testing and monitoring than most women experience. While that is mildly inconvenient and may provide more opportunities to be anxious, I’m also glad to get the extra care. There is so much that can’t be controlled or avoided or cured in pregnancy, but I think I’ll feel better knowing that we are being seen often enough to be able to catch and treat most of the big, dangerous issues.
This year will be my first Mother’s Day as a mom, and Jason’s first Father’s Day as a dad. Omie’s absence does not change our nature as parents, it just makes our parenthood experience a bit different. This is why you’ll often see the hashtags #stillamom because many people don’t understand that losing a child doesn’t mean losing your status as a mother – just because you don’t see our children doesn’t mean we aren’t parents.
But not all firsts or lasts have to be sad. This is the last year that I’ll be unmarried, the last I’ll have to refer to Jason as my fiancé. I am so incredibly excited to stand by him in September and share our love and commitment with friends and family. I can’t wait to adopt my new last name – yeah, I’m hyphenating because I love how our names sound together.
The home we currently rent will be the last we share with a roommate. Don’t get me wrong, I love love love our roommate Sara, she was my first friend in law school and she’ll be one of my bridesmaids this fall. But I’m excited for Jason and I to get our first place of our “own”, to start our life together as a family. This will be our last year in Williamsburg and after seven years, I’m definitely ready for a move.
This will also be my last year as a “semi” adult. Come September, I’ll be starting my career and paying my own bills (bless up for my parents honestly) and working towards my future – a future that will include children, one way or another. So here’s to all the firsts and lasts, and for those yet to come.